Verse and View

I lay on my bed, wanting to sleep, praying to sleep, wishing I could drift away like everyone else at this hour. But sleep feels so far from me, and my dreams grow blurrier by the second. I've changed my position countless times, yet sleep keeps slipping through my grasp. My dreams grow hazy, the night outside too dark to see through the window. And I have sat here, staring through this window, countless times before gazing at a vast, dark ocean with floating clouds, filled with forgotten and lost dreams. As I watch, I wonder which one is mine? Some dreams shine brighter than others. I sit, carried away by thoughts of where I belong. But making a choice feels impossible, because I don’t know where I want to be. I want to shine, but should I glow now and fade later? Or dim now and blaze someday? Not every star stops shining, and not every star shines. Still watching the drifting clouds, the night whispers to me: "Shine, my dear. You will glow like the stars ...

Do You Believe? Someone asked, "Do you believe?" And I asked, "In what?" The answer came quickly "In God! You go to church, You were raised in a Christian home, By Christian parents." I wasn’t sure what that meant, But yes, I identify as a Christian. I go to church Because I was taught to, Because I learned that Sundays belong to God. Though now, sometimes, I question that. I wonder Does going to church make me one? Does it save me a spot in heaven? I give my tithes, I offer my gifts, I help those I can help. I give because it is right, Because God says so, Because it feels fulfilling to lift another. I have been convicted, Time and time again, To give my life to Christ When His word speaks to me. And yes, I have cried. I have repented so many times, Begging God to chain me to Him, To make me His Even when I don’t want to be. Yes, I want Him to be my Lord and Savior. But after every prayer of conviction, I wait To forget the past Th...

"The Man Who Changed Me" The man I fell in love with A few years ago, I would have screamed, No! Not my kind. I would have said, "No way. He’s too old for me. We could never be right for each other." But now, you consume 50% of my thoughts. Your absence locks me down, Leaves me still, frozen in time. Loving you came easy Only when the curtains had closed our chapter. I seemed fine walking away, Yet the memories we built Haunt my peace, chase my reality. A few years ago, I would have chosen a man from my books, A fairytale kind of love But you? You were never in the story I imagined. Marriage was never my dream, Even when we spoke of it. I was never supposed to be the girl Who longed to go home to Mama. But you changed that. You changed me. And now, I ache only for you. You knew I never judged, Never wanted to judge others for their choices. You knew I was scared, Young, naïve Desperate to be grown, Desperate to make my own decisions. Yet tho...

  I remember tall trees. Abandon streets that parents feared would one day kill us Someone was carrying me on their back There were loud drumsticks, like thunder, around us, but far away I barely remember, but I remembered some group of men in uniform They stopped us several times to ask questions and told the people with me to hurry We arrived at the safe place. Colored people were living there, too. My family was there too, with grannies, aunts, and cousins Everyone wanted to carry me cause I was almost two and the only baby to be carried Both family and missionaries loved the chubby little girl a mists the heart of war They say children bring happiness, and I sure did to families living in that compound then. I had no clue what caused us to leave our house. But we stayed in the missionary compound for a while before returning home. At home, everything went back to normal, and I grew up The woman who carried me on her back was my grandma And later, she passed in 2003, a...

  We build walls for security, We build walls for privacy. We build walls out of fear, We build walls to set boundaries. We build walls for countless reasons You can see them and understand why they’re needed. I find myself building walls to protect me, I kept building, shielding myself. You were once the reason I felt butterflies, But now, all I feel is anger. I’ve built stronger walls against you, While letting them crumble for him. 

  Most of the time, life scares the hell out of me. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I just wish I could catch my breath. I wish it was as easy as swimming dipping my head under water and letting the world burn above me. Or as simple as sitting still, willing time to pause, just long enough for me to breathe again. God knows nothing has ever come easy for me. Not waking up every morning. Not facing the same life I left behind yesterday. Each day, I wake hoping, wishing, praying for a better tomorrow, even as I know deep down the world won’t change itself.

Each day I wake and sit on my bed for a while, trying to understand this thing we call "alive and leaving."  It's not answerable. Scientists have written and talked about life endlessly, yet we still don’t fathom it. Life remains a mystery, beyond comprehension, and God a wonder yet to be beheld. I am amazed at how my body functions. Living in it has helped me understand so little about it; some  days, I wake up and know nothing, yet I survive, by chanting, "Lord, help me through this." There are days I wake up feeling alive and thankful for everything I take for granted. I have good health I don’t understand, and I forget how yesterday was. I watched my uncle lowered into the ground, asleep without dreams, motionless in a box, sealed and  sprayed with a perfume-like bottle, while everyone sits. And I wonder, is he in pain? Can he see my mother crying or his grandchildren, who just began to live,  fainting as they realize they won’t see him anymore? Does he know...