Chained to Grace

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Do You Believe?

Someone asked, "Do you believe?"

And I asked, "In what?"

The answer came quickly
"In God! You go to church,
You were raised in a Christian home,
By Christian parents."

I wasn’t sure what that meant,
But yes, I identify as a Christian.

I go to church
Because I was taught to,
Because I learned that Sundays belong to God.
Though now, sometimes, I question that.

I wonder
Does going to church make me one?
Does it save me a spot in heaven?

I give my tithes,
I offer my gifts,
I help those I can help.
I give because it is right,
Because God says so,
Because it feels fulfilling to lift another.

I have been convicted,
Time and time again,
To give my life to Christ
When His word speaks to me.

And yes, I have cried.
I have repented so many times,
Begging God to chain me to Him,
To make me His
Even when I don’t want to be.

Yes, I want Him to be my Lord and Savior.

But after every prayer of conviction,
I wait
To forget the past
That I once prayed to be cleansed from.

I have prayed to be free
From everything that pulls me down,
Only to sit in silence,
Watching my subconscious
Judge every decision I make.

You just sit and watch
Your demons and angels
School you in the art of right and wrong.

I plead for mercy from the jury,
Only to find myself pleading again,
Over and over.
And I wonder
Why is the Judge so merciful
That He has not thrown me into my jail?

I beg for mercy,
Not to be left roaming the streets
With mischief lurking at every turn
But to be chained to His cross.

I cry because my heart is unrepentant,
Falling back into the very places
I have begged to be saved from,
Over and over again.

Sometimes, I sit in silence
And do my own torturing.
Sometimes, I blame Him
For not chaining me to Him.

And some days, I cry
Praises and melodies
Because He is not a man like me or you,
Who tires and gives up.
He is always faithful,
Whether I need Him or not.

I have never seen Him
And neither have many
Who worship Him better than I do.

My heart craves His kind of life,
But my body longs
For the pleasures of this world.


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