Uncertain Steps

Uncertain Steps

Taking uncertain steps, I watch the water kiss the sand by the bank,

so close, yet never together just like a cruel twist of fate.

I couldn’t figure out what I wanted,

so here I am, watching the fish play hide and seek with seagulls,

while the waves dance near the shore.

I feel nothing. Or maybe too much.

I am tired, tired of everything.

Tired of thinking, of my mind drifting too close to shore.

My tears celebrate with the water in front of me,

emotions crashing against my chest like waves against restless boats.

I had promised not to let myself get this close again,

but that was just a thought.

Because how do I explain stalking you through my phone?

Sometimes, I see myself fading, like shadows at dusk,

and the way I understand and relate to sad songs

alarms me.

I realize now, you want someone perfect,

someone special, but not me.

My flaws send people away before they ever get close.

I am sorry, I cannot exist without my mistakes.

They define me.

I can’t be perfect.

Because I don’t even know if it’s you I want or him.

My heart jumps, restless, whenever either of you becomes the question.

How I’ve tied my heart to you remains an unsolved mystery,

a love equation with no solution.

I have exhausted my love self,

and now I’m just tired too wounded to try again.

Tired of wishing, praying, dreaming.

Tired of wanting what will never be what was supposed to be but never was.

I guess some truths are better left untouched.

Sometimes, I wish I could un-know certain things,

unlearn the pain woven into my soul.

I wish I could tell the girl in the mirror to be proud of her scars.

I wish I weren’t at my lowest,

crying to the ocean, begging it to swallow me whole,

or at least, wash away the pain no one sees.

I’m sorry, but I am not so proud of my scars today.

They seem healed, but some wounds still feel fresh.

Memories heal you, but sometimes, they just hurt you.

Because we never really heal

we just learn to live with the scars.

cateyes